Huns Fit For Radio

As the song says "Have you seen a Handsome Hun?" the answer is almost inevitably "NO". Here i'm taking a look back at some of those who have donned the colours of Rangers and have sparked mass debate as to what species they actually are. Yes the players who thankfully weren't around for the advent of HD Tv, those who wouldn't be out of place in a Nordic wood carving chasing children. For those who remember these oddities I apologise for any relapse this may cause. And to those young enough not to remember, be warned these things are still out there...

Seb Rozenthal : the Chilean goal scoring machine arrived in Jan 1997 amid great fanfare from Universidad Catolica (yes really!!). Rangers fans were promised a slick South American striker, what they got was a short, chubby, pasty looking guy that could have came from Partick. Having spent most of his 5 years at Ibrox in the treatment room the only talent he showed was the ability to make a wall with his ample arse that could be done by the normal 5 men.

Robert Prytz : The ugliest Swede ever seen by man, that is all that can be said for the 80's midfield man. The frizzy blonde hair and massive nose not your typical swede.

Terry Hurlock : Signed by Souness, Hurlock was undoubtedly one the most psychotic players Britain has ever seen. Seriously Joey Barton has nothing on this nut job, need proof watch his assault on Toomy Coyne in the St Paady's Day massacre in 91. Not only that he was one ugly bastard, scraggy hair and a face that resembled a scrotum.

Davie Dodds : You can almost hear the villagers scream by the mere mention of his name. The first ever case when facial hair made someone's ugliness more prominent rather than hide it. If it wasn't bad enough having to watch this guy play, he then moved to backroom staff and we had to endure close ups of his monstrous mug. Even just picturing his face makes want to grab a pitchfork and a flaming torch.

Bob Malcolm : With a head like Kryten from Red Dwarf and the swift feet of the incredible hulk with an elastic band round his knob. Bob Malcolm was a complete player....complete shite. From his debut as an 18 year old who already looked 35, against Celtic and proceeded to fall on his arse when Henrik ran at him, this guy gave us years of golden moments. My favourite being in the 2004 New year game at parkhead where young Bob attempted a cross field pass and almost conceded a corner. The physics of that pass as well as his appearance were mind boggling. Hail Hail

A Season In The Sun

Like a jigsaw everything this season just seemed to fall into place perfectly. After losing out on the league title by a single point the previous season, this year the determination of the squad to clinch that first title for themselves and Neil Lennon was there for all to see. Records broken, a decent run in europe and of course the complete implosion that unfolded across the city, for me this was perhaps my favourite season in the nearly 3 decades I've followed the Hoops.

The opening months of the season were largely forgettable, players struggling for form, Izzy's injury in the second game at Pittodrie. The disasterous first Rangers game was particularly disheartening and the usual clamour for complete change top to bottom at the club. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed because for me our season really began away to Rennes in the Europa League, where we claimed a well earned draw. The general consensus seems to be that Half time at Rugby Park was the turnaround in the season, but i believe it was Joe Ledley's equaliser in France that showed me this team was up for the challenge.

The introduction of Wanyama and the return to form of Beram Kayal in the midfield was a massive step on the road to recovery, particularly in the 2-1 win against Motherwell at Fir Park. Where as usual Mccall's team proceeded to kick us of the park, a fighting spirit which incredibly disappears when thaey play teams from Govan funny that isn't it. In fact from that win up to The win against Rangers at Parkhead, for me that run won the league for us. After that win in December Rangers never looked like getting back into the race, even if they will have you believe it was the 10 point deduction that killed their season. We all know different dont we. A 17 game winning run and 25 game unbeaten run and we still get the ' Tainted Title' pish thrown at us.

There were many players who had good seasons, Hooper, Kayal, Samaras, Rogne, Wanyama, Matthews, Forster, Forrest and Brown. All of these players had great spells during the year ocassionally form, injuries and suspensions would curtail part of their season. But as we all know 2 players consistently payed well throughout the campaign and set the benchmark for the rest of the SPL. Charlie Mulgrew and Joe Ledley were star performers this year, both were a goal threat from multiple positions, both contributed with many assissts and when played in defence both were solid and dependable. For me Joe Ledley just shaded it for my Player of the Year, I like the no fuss style of play he adopts. Gets on with the job at hand tidily whether he's in the middle, out wide or at Left back.

As for Neil Lennon, he has shown that he's progressing well for a young manager, unlike a nera 50 year old "Rookie" manager who I will not name even though he likes naming people himself. Neil Lennon has bought well again with some exceptions ,Kelvin Wilson lets be honest the guys not up to snuff. Bangura and Brozek have been, pardon the pun, hit and miss. Overall the signings of Matthews and Wanyama have far outweighed the other signings. 

Three disappointing results near the end of the season did little to dampen my sense that this was a good season. The league cup final, Cup semi-final and the Rangers game at Ibrox are games where it just wasn't happening on the day. The most important thing for me is throughout the season after taking the knocks the team have come back stronger.

Here's looking forward to next year no matter who we are playing.

Hail Hail.

Success Fills Seats!

For the first time in ages I've listened to Clyde Superscoreboard every night for the past couple of weeks. Obviously for the daily revelations coming out of the Hun Dome, each day it gets better and better. For those that haven't been listening I want to go over a few points that have been brought up, some serious points about our club and the rest severe delusions by the Orcs.

Firstly the wide held belief that Rangers are to big to go under(pretty sure they said that about the Titanic too) and that everything should be done to ensure Ranger's survival. The main aim from fans and media alike was that the government should intervene and bail Rangers out, yes you heard me right an organisation who withheld funds from said government should be saved by the government.....Just let that sink in a bit.

Secondly the fans themselves can muster up a rescue package. Much akin to models in place in Germany and Spain. That's right the Global Rangers Community which stretches as far as Ayrshire, are going to dig deep and buy the club with the help of some Ex Directors.... Again let that sink in. The very same fans who came to their beloved club's rescue only a few years ago and raised £51m in a share issue... Oh wait it was only £1m because Dr Strangelove underwrote £50m.

Thirdly from the Hack's point of view there was no way to no Rangers were in this much trouble... Okay so the fact that for the past 18 months any Celtic fan who phoned in asking whether stories on The Rangers Tax Case Blog were true, were met with snide, curt put downs that 98% of that blog was crap. Everything I've read on that blog has come to fruition as well as scoops from Phil Mac and Brian Mcinally both Ex Pat Journos who didn't partake in any succulent lamb.

Lastly the point that really riled me, If Rangers go under in a couple of years Celtic fans will get tired of winning the league every year and just stop going to games.....What??? This point has been made several times mostly by Rangers fans however any pundit who has taken the question has agreed with it outright. This completely goes against my understanding of football, when you are successful no matter the opposition you will have a strong backing. On top of this we are also being told that if Rangers are liquidated and come back under some form in a lower division their support will be even stronger...What??? Ask any relatives you may have that can remember both our 9 in a row and their 9 in a row. They will tell you there wasn't a massive drop in attendance after 5 or 6 title wins on the trot. Was Hampden half empty when they reached their 8th cup final in 4 years... No of course not. So this vision the media have built has no substance and no president. I don't no about you guys but I'm a Celtic supporter because I love Celtic not because I hate anyone else.

Hail Hail

More of the Same Please Celtic

It's an old cliche but "Games like that win you titles" has never been more true than celtic's current form. Not spectacular but we now look like a team that is hard to beat, a renewed sense of calm throughout the club. No dramas, no 47 game touch line bans, finally the main talking points are football. Neil Lennon has brought out a fighting spirit in this squad that looked severely lacking in heart 3 months ago. Winning ugly especially during the winter months is necessary to get that League Title back. Even the 2-1 wins at Parkhead are not causing me much stress anymore, mainly because last season those games would've finished 2-2. Under Martin O'Neill and Gordon Strachan how many games were one in injury time, home or away. Obviously you want the odd humping of someone( preferably a Hun team, I know there are plenty of them). But I honestly couldn't care less about score lines and performances as long as its a Celtic win.

The defence is looking rock solid, no coincidence when Rogne is playing we always look solid. You just need to draw comparisons against the two Derby games this season. When we got humped at HMRC Park Jellyfish actually looked a player when our back four were woeful that day. Fast forward to December and the guy never got a sniff at goal from Rogne's back pocket. Apart from two pathetic overhead kick attempts. Which they actually showed on the highlights????? Midfield takes care of itself now as long ad Big Victor is in there we can grab hold of the midfield against most teams now. Up front is where we could have, I wouldn't say improvement, more another dimension. It's plain to see a big mobile striker that can hold the ball up and link the play against more stubborn defences. Whether we get that striker before the deadline on Tuesday remains to be seen, however I like the way our business has been conducted during this window. Players have been brought on with the minimum of fuss. Unlike a certain tax allergic club situated near the Govan area, which by the looks of it really needs a Tesco with a huge car park.

Anyway more of the same please Celtic.

Hail Hail.

I'd Rather Be A Doctor Than A Dick!

With all the negativity going on in the past week instead of commenting on " What we should or Shouldn't sing". I'm going to cheer myself up (and hopefully some of you) by telling you all about the first Celtic V Rangers game I ever attended. It was Saturday 21st November 1998 and get this it was a 3pm kick off.

So let me set the stage, Wim Jansen had left and we had Jock Brown as our General Manager. Still shudder at that decision. After what seemed like an eternity we finally got our new manager. Rumours were abound, Hiddink, Houillier, Tommy Burns to come back. None of these of course it was Dr. Jozef Venglos. Only the true purists of the game had ever heard of him. Okay I thought, never heard of Jansen either so lets give him a chance. It was also at this point I recieved my first ever season ticket. Lisbon lions Stand Area 413 row v seat 41, still there to this day. So I was dying for the season to begin, trouble was it didn't start till October. Dr. Jo wasn't allowed to buy anyone till the middle of October and that was Vidar Riseth. Conveniently our season got going when Jock Brown " Resigned". We were an unhappy support at that point already thirteen points behind the Orcs. Uninspiring signings, Riseth, Tony Warner (on loan) and a 33 yr old Slovakian no one had heard of. A day before the game we signed a centre half from Sweden, who I vaguely remembered playing against England and thinking he looked hard as fuck.

Not much has changed in media build up to these games even back then the papers where full of how many Celtic were going to lose by. Rangers were too good for us, Van Bronkhorst, Albertz, Guivarch and the golden child of Scottish football Barry Ferguson. On our way to the game I'll admit I wasn't too optimistic for our chances. It was pitch black at 3 o'clock it looked more like a night game and I was freezing my bollocks off to boot.

The line ups were then announced, two names immediately sprung out to me. Mjallby in at centre half, " Christ he's massive and looks like Dolph Lundgren". Exact quote from my 16 yer old self. And Moravcik up front with Larsson. "I would've gone with Burchill myself" yep another quote from me. So here we were almost kick off, atmosphere was incredible first a chorus of You'll Never Walk Alone the The Huddle the place exploded. As is still the case the first ten minutes were frantic but something was different we weren't getting bullied in the middle as was always the case in old firm games. Albertz always used just walk through the middle of our teams. Not today, a full 5 mins into his Celtic debut Johan Mjallby became my hero. Albertz picked the ball up on the left and before he could look up Big Dolph had put him into the stand with most powerful shoulder charge I've ever seen. Not long after that after an embarassing Rod Wallace dive Alan Stubbs picked out Donnelly on the left who played the ball inside. Larsson took out Hendry with an incredible dummy and Moravcik smashed the ball with his left into the bottom corner. What happened next was the loudest noise I had heard in my life, I lost the plot jumping on anyone near me, hugging folk I had barely spoke to since the season started. From then till half time it was the Lubo show, cut backs, nutmegs the whole shabang. We've got ourselves a player here, so good was his tricks and turns that he out foxed Scott Wilson so many times that it lead him to sythe him down from the back. Straight Red Card.

Early in the second half we worked the ball out on the right to Tom Boyd who put in a great cross. In the middle Lubo hovered like something from the Matrix and bulleted a header past Niemi. 2-0 against the Huns and they're down to ten this can't get any better. Hold that thought it can. Excuse any inaccuracies with times because it was a bit of a blur. Henrik made it 3-0 after a great through ball from Donnelly. If you watch replays of it Hendry actually pushes Larsson onto his stronger foot, now that's how to defend kids.

At 3-0 I thought its safe enough to go for a piss, standing at a urinal with 10 other guys singing and shouting should be weird but it wasn't that day. As we emerged from said toilet we stopped dead as we heard the tannoy announcing "The scorer No. 8 Van Bronkhorst". We all look at each other, paused, shrugged our shoulders and carried on singing. It was that kind of day nothing was spoiling the party.

Henrik scored again from a Phil O'Donell ( God Bless You) cross, then the piss taking really started. "Always look on the bright side of life", " Walk with me Oh my lord", "we Can See You Sneaking Out" to name a few. However the next chant is still my all time favourite " I'd Rather Be A Doctor Than A Dick" whoever thought that one up you are a genius. Late in the game Mark Burchill came on and made it 5-1. 5-1......5-1 in my first Old Firm Game. There isn't going to be a game like that for a long time I thought. Little did I know I would only have to wait till August 2000.

Hope you enjoyed that, I enjoy reliving it.

Hail Hail.

Where's the hunger?

I'm writing this in the Parkhead Bus Park and I'm thoroughly pissed off. Another 3 points but another torrid afternoon at Parkhead. We seem to have just been ambling along for the season so far, the style of play from last year seems like a lifetime ago. It's the same players, same management team. So whats the difference, players that were dynamic, hungry and would've run through a brick wall for the cause are lethargic and especially at Celtic Park look afraid sometimes. In the majority of games this season it's almost like apathy has seeped into the squad, like all they need to do is turn up for the 3 points. I've already said my peace on our defence as it's pretty obvious what their deficiencies are. For me the contrast in our midfield is alarming.

Last season at different points in the campaign Ki and Kayal played huge parts in our midfield dominance in big games, however the ever present in those big games was Joe Ledley. This year Ledley has been sacrificed in different positions to accommodate Ki and Kayal, even when Kayal has been off form or Ki has under performed. There is a lack of creativity in this midfield, we look like going back to 100 passes along the middle and then back to the centre half for a pointless punt up front. I can't remember when we scored from a cross into the box, every ball goes into the striker's feet with his back to goal. We have become predictable and slow in our build allowing teams to get men behind the ball.

The one time we played the ball quickly and crisply today we tore Aberdeen apart and scored a good goal. Straight after we scored we resorted to the slow build and played as if we were at Lennoxtown, and only came to life when the Dons equalised. I've got to ask the question, Is the hunger still there? Do the players think the games are going to be easy? Are players believing their own hype? All I know is there is a marked difference in some players attitude compared to last year. There must be a change in attitude if we are going to win the league, because on recent evidence we look like we could drop points in every game. For a Celtic team that is in my opinion is the worst crime you can commit, guys going through motions is a sure way to drive away the linters they worked so hard to get back into Parkhead.

I never like to be thus pessimistic when talking about The Hoops but I feel we have to turn the corner quickly to salvage our season. Can we win the league of course we can but it's up to the players, we've backed them up so far. The fans never stopped today, the turn out at Rennes was astounding and even at Kilmarnock at 3 nil down we were spurting them on. I just think some players ( I'll let you guys guess who im talking about) need to step up and repay the faith shown to them by the manager and fans alike.

Here's hoping for a turnaround.

Always Faithful Hail Hail.

Case for the Defence?

As we approach two big games this week, both domestic and european, we are saddled with the problem that has been holding us back for years. Since the days of Mjallby, valgaeren and Bobo we have never had a tight defensive unit. We've had good defenders in that time no doubt but never a back four or three that consistently works well together. I think you only need to look at the other lot to see what a tight defence can do for you. Where does the problem lie, Poor players, poor coaching who knows? All I know is when it comes down to the crunch Celtic tend to lose some of the softest goals you will see in top flight football anywhere.

Currently our backline seems to be different every game, be it from injury, suspension or just plain old rotation. In my opinion last year our best centre back partnership was Big Dan and Rogne, going back to the new year game at Ibrox both were dominant and didn't let anything get past them. Unfortunately Rogne seems to be injury prone because I think he is easily the best centre half at the club and still young as well. Charlie mulgrew is a good centre half but gets shunted around into midfield one game then centre half then left back, he has been the better of the centre halves so far. Kelvin Wilson looked promising early on then had a mare at Ibrox, hopefully derby day nerves and can move on from that. Big Dan hasn't looked anywhere near commanding as last year. Although I thought he finished the game vs. ICT well winning plenty of headers. Then we come to Loovens, one word, liability. For those that think I may be harsh on him I'm afraid I won't apologise, a player of his height and physique is what you look for in a defender. However what we have is a big Dutch centre half who when the ball is in the air looks terrified to go near it. Sometimes players just aren't good enough and Mr Loovens fits that bill.

So where does that leave us for the next two games, our full backs look in condition, so at centre back we have the choice of Big Dan, a now fit Rogne, Charlie or (shuddering) Loovens. I know who I would go with, for udinese Dan and Rogne with mulgrew at left back for the cup tied El Khaddouri. For Tynecastle, Rogne and Mulgrew. Let me know What you think of this folks. We have good defenders at our club we just need the right combination. Here's hoping for Two wins in the next few days.

Hail Hail.